I finally came up with my big moneymaker, and it’s one of those 2 birds, 1 stone type deals (only with less poo). Here, let me try out my pitch on you:
Move over, Celebrity Fit Club!
America’s Biggest Loser, you’re toast*!
Make room for the latest diet-show sensation, starring hefty pooches from across the land.
I’m calling it FAT BITCH.**
The breakout star will be an outscale toy dog from the heartland, who weighs in at more than SIX. TEEN. POUNDS. [pause for gasps]
He’s a real lap-load, a total back-breaker, and a cuddly crowd-pleaser…Meet Archie, the chihuahua who swallowed Omaha!
I really think this could be it, people. The pounds will roll off as the dollars roll in. Although I’m beginning to suspect Archie’s fat ass is glandular,*** since he gets the same amount of food as Stella (a svelte 7-pounder) and still manages to convert it all straight to jelly.
Witness the tit, his squishy chesticular protrusion:
(Archie’s got a moob, y’all!)
And don’t miss the belly:
Let’s take a closer look:
Lo, Archie is a real Fat Bastard. And soon, he’ll be a star!
So check your local listings for FAT BITCH, coming soon to a cable station near you!
*Not that said losers are allowed to eat carbs.
**Either that, or “The Pound Lounge for Hounds.” Both need work, I know, but you get the idea. What would you call the show? Share your suggestions in comments.
***If his weight problems are glandular, that must mean my money problems are fundular. As in, “Don’t blame me! It’s fundular!”