Posts Tagged ‘obesity’

Wherein My Fat Dog Will Make Me Rich

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009

I finally came up with my big moneymaker, and it’s one of those 2 birds, 1 stone type deals (only with less poo). Here, let me try out my pitch on you:

Move over, Celebrity Fit Club!

America’s Biggest Loser, you’re toast*!

Make room for the latest diet-show sensation, starring hefty pooches from across the land.

I’m calling it FAT BITCH.**

The breakout star will be an outscale toy dog from the heartland, who weighs in at more than SIX. TEEN. POUNDS. [pause for gasps]

He’s a real lap-load, a total back-breaker, and a cuddly crowd-pleaser…Meet Archie, the chihuahua who swallowed Omaha!

I really think this could be it, people. The pounds will roll off as the dollars roll in. Although I’m beginning to suspect Archie’s fat ass is glandular,*** since he gets the same amount of food as Stella (a svelte 7-pounder) and still manages to convert it all straight to jelly.

Witness the tit, his squishy chesticular protrusion:

archie moob

(Archie’s got a moob, y’all!)

And don’t miss the belly:

tummy tuck

Let’s take a closer look:


Lo, Archie is a real Fat Bastard. And soon, he’ll be a star!

So check your local listings for FAT BITCH, coming soon to a cable station near you!

*Not that said losers are allowed to eat carbs.

**Either that, or “The Pound Lounge for Hounds.” Both need work, I know, but you get the idea. What would you call the show? Share your suggestions in comments.

***If his weight problems are glandular, that must mean my money problems are fundular. As in, “Don’t blame me! It’s fundular!”

Packing on the lbs

Wednesday, September 24th, 2008

fat archie

Not his best angle, for sure, but do you think he bothers with body image? Archie fully inhabits his skin, even the bald bits on his neck and belly. He only cares about the cat meowing on the DVD or the dog on the leash across the street. And squirrels, he’s very concerned about the squirrels.

This pic is NSFW, BTW.